It's hard not getting what you want for Christmas.
Saying that makes me sound like a five year old.
But, I watched my four foster siblings come running through the door each carrying a giant candy cane and some "cool" toy that they had gotten from the visit with their birth mom. "I need you help," my sister called to me from the transport van. Four large trashbags filled the trunk, each full of toys my brothers and sister had received for Christmas.
Every matchbox car, Air Jordan sneaker, Frozen toy, and electronic that could make a child's Christmas special was stuffed into those trashbags, overwhelming the entire concept of a gift.
We have the pleasure of coaxing them from the sugar high and overstimulation every time Christmas comes around. And, every time Christmas comes around, I begin to hate presents a little more.
What am I supposed to give four kids that get it all and appreciate nothing? While they are freaking out because we can't get all their packages open fast enough, do they realize that my own Christmas list consisted of a single thing that I didn't get.
They got everything, but all I want is them.
I want to have them as my forever family, a wish not so impossible. Time and time again, I could have had this gift. Hope this year was higher than ever, but again, they won't be mine. It drains you year after year to have the family you want living with you, but not belonging to you.
I placed my five year old foster sister in the transport van this afternoon with a heavy heart. She didn't want to go. I didn't want to let her go. Neither of us had a choice. My brain tends to overanalyze things, and I can see every time where this situation could have ended with them never having to leave in that manner again.
But, if I get my Christmas present this year, next year, or five years from now, I will thank God for it. I will appreciate it. And if I don't ever get them as my own, then I pray that God will wow me with something else, a bigger better gift that I never would have known to ask for. Ultimately, those are the best gifts, the ones you love but don't know to want.
Funny thing is, that's what Christmas is actually about. Jesus sacrificing his life in heaven to come to us, a gift we love, but never would have known to ask for.