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I Don't Control Much of Anything

     Eleventh grade is almost done.

     It's been a long year, and never before have I felt so powerless. 

     You've seen bits and pieces of my year here, but there is so much happening in my life that I can't put it into words--a frightening feeling for me. 

     Each week, I did homeschool, worked ten hours, taught creative writing three days a week, took Business Math everyday at a private school, juggled two online college classes through Cedarville University, and tried to find time to write. 

     Meanwhile, the situation with our four foster kids has only gotten more complicated. It's been almost four years since they came. Hearts are being hurt, and I can only pray that God ends all this soon. These kids' lives, emotions, and hearts are constantly on my mind, making focusing on my own work nearly impossible at times. 

     When I thought things were settling down, obstacles tripped me up.
     When I thought I finally had something steady to cling on to, it got yanked away from me.
     When I thought light was emerging in the future, everything went dark again. 

     I failed sometimes, lost a friend, and had a close friend follow God's calling elsewhere. 

     Friends ask me how I'm doing, what's going on, how do I put a genuine smile on my face when a preschooler at work has given a terrible afternoon. 

     Truth is, I cry and freak out ... a lot, but I'm not the kind of person who sobs in public. Events this year had me break down into a puddle of tears in the middle of a room of forty people. 

     "I don't like change." I muttered through tears to my mom the night my close friend and teacher announced he was leaving. 

     That night, I realized that I have absolutely no control over anything that is happening around me. Nothing in my life was steady or unchanging, except God. He was the only thing I had left to lean on. 

     Psalm 62: 5-8 (ESV) says, "For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence for my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us."

     My life is going to crumble to pieces, but God won't. I will cling to Him when I have everything and when I have nothing. 


  1. Wow.


    That's kind of been my year too, Alyson...and I can't tell you just how much I needed to hear this today. Thank you. :)

    -- Amanda F

    1. I'm so glad you found it encouraging : )

  2. So I'm not the only one in the world who's afraid of losing control... Thanks so much for this post!


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